Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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