i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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