Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
