i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
