She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
