At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
