I'm gonna have a badass scar
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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