My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
