So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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