i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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