Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
This house was built for laser tag.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
