Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
