Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
