I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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