I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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