It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
