She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
