my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Someone signed my nipple.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
