toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
