then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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