apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Dick very happy bro
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
