Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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