I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
