It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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