Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
