ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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