i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
