I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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