i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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