After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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