I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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