What did we do last night that was yellow?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
