he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
