i wish starbucks made bloody marys
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
