A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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