i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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