you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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