i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
