Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
