i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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