I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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