your parents love me but you hate me
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
