Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
