I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
