I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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