Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
