I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
