Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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