I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
