No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
