so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
